Stop Doesn’t Mean to Continue!

I think that i’ve been raped three times already, the first two were when i was younger, that i could just play off as sympathy sex or a guy being too pushy and me just giving in to get it over with. I know now… that it was rape, but hey, fuck it.

The one that forever remains scared into my mind is one of the reasons why i don’t have sex with men with large penises. I was involved with a guy for a few months, he was always a little aggressive (to be honest i preferred my men like that) the aggression didn’t bother me, now, in retrospect I believe he had to have had some narcissistic tendencies, i’m bipolar, not on medication, but I know, i’ve accepted it, just learning to deal.
Anyway, so we had been seeing each other for a few months , we didn’t have sex, came close a few times, but just never happened, so finally we planned it, went away together for the weekend, we spent so much time together, kissing, just getting into each other. the first night came, we had a shower together, at that point, I was hot, horny, ready.
Everything was coming together, or so i thought, I noticed that he wasn’t into having foreplay, it didn’t matter at that point, i just wanted him. I always knew that he had a larger than average dick,  hell he was 6’5″ maybe 230 lbs and muscular out of this world, I would’ve been surprised if he had a little wiener. but when he entered me… i felt a fullness to which I have never felt before. I was surprised, kinda scared shitless but i was still game, still willing to work with my situation. Then he started moving, he was aggressive, sinking himself deeper than i thought possible, it hurt like crazy, and I asked him to stop, he didn’t, i tried to pull away, he held me down.

I don’t know if he thought that I was into rough sex and No meant yes, but I meant NO and he just didn’t get that. I thought that i could’ve taken it, suck it up until he was finished, but he was touching nerves and parts that weren’t designed for perusal by ordinary men. Long and short, I got away… I was so shocked and confused that I curled up into a corner, and cried… I had watched almost every episode of Law and Order SVU, but I never truly understood that feeling until i was there, in it, living it.

I write this now, more for me than for you, because I need to vent to make sense of what happen and how a relationship so full of promise and hope could end in less than 20mins.

In some weird way I still love him, miss him, crave his bear hugs and sorry excuse for kisses. Does that make me a masochist? A total sucker for punishment? I refuse to go to counselling cause some things where i come from you just don’t talk about, you deal with, you cope with. I guess this is my silly little way of coping!

Grrrrrrr

I’m convinced that men where placed on this earth to make women crazy. I have yet to figure out how simple conversations can morph into arguments about past loves, lost resentments. I use to wish that I was older when I was a child…thinking that my childhood “problems” were somehow way more intense than they were in retrospect. 

Upon my soul I wish I was into girls so I could become a lesbian, cause I hate you men. When it’s not daddy issues, mommy issues, afraid of commitment, players who aren’t ready to settle down, mommy”s boys who want you to be … mommy! I just cant with you men…it’s always something.

I think my ideal man is the perfect woman… so fuck it… I probably should become a lesbian. But I fail to understand why I have to become a lesbian when my perfect opposite, partner, the keys to my locks 😉 is such a fucking douchbag. I just can’t,  I think I need some alone time.